on mother's day.

i remember it so clearly, so vividly, as if it were yesterday.  it's amazing how some days, and their emotions, just stick with you forever.  it was saturday night, the day before mother's day, last year.  we got a knock on my parent's door and it was bff kayla with a large bouquet of flowers.  she said, "these are for you, because mother's day just sucks when you're trying to get pregnant."  she knew.

church the next day wasn't terrible.  my dad, being the bishop, stood up at the end of the meeting and bore the sweetest testimony.  he said, "for many of you today isn't a day of celebration.  struggles of losing a child, not having children, death of a mother, poor relationships, there are many reasons that people are hurting on mother's day.  but don't forget that the atonement of Jesus Christ can heal all of our hurt, and replace it with hope and joy."  i bawled.  he said it for me, really, though everyone else got to listen in.  i was so grateful for the reminder.

this year was my "first official" mother's day.  at least that's what everyone kept telling me.  but i wasn't sure how i felt about that.  yes, i'm having a miracle baby and i'm so thrilled.  i'll be a "mom" this year.  but that longing for motherhood was the same last year as it was today.  i found ways to "mother", especially through my jobs.  i found ways to nurture, create, give hope and life, although it wasn't in baby form.  this year opened my eyes that last year (and all years) i truly was a mother, although i couldn't see it at the time.  all women have that gift and we must embrace it in our lives in whatever form it comes.

favorite talks on not necessarily being a "mother":

"are we not all mothers?" by sheri dew

"what shall we do?" by neill marriott