on miracles and the feels. [infertility awareness week.]

[here.]

it's infertility awareness week.  i want to share a little more of my story.

[as i've been pregnant i've felt like i've been in this limbo.  i can't be too excited because i know so many struggling, but yet, i've also seen miracles that are so joyous.]

i was looking back in my journal from last summer.  the cover of my journal says, "what to focus on - happy."  i intentionally bought it with infertility on my mind, knowing that somehow i'd have to find happiness in my journey.

i want to share with you some of my deepest feelings that i wrote while in the midst of that trial, that you too might know a little bit more how it feels.  the highs and the lows.

"over the past two days i've had two people reach out to me and their words brought me to tears.  it's been a perfect reminder that i am not forgotten and Heavenly Father is so aware of me and my situation with infertility.  a reminder that there are many more prayers offered in our behalf than just my pleadings.  our team is many."

"sometimes infertility just hurts."

"derek and i have reflected on the real blessing of being able to have so much time to really get to know each other - to learn to love and understand and communicate.  it truly is a gift."

"we went to the fertility doctor today.  it went well and most everything looked 'normal.'  that means we have unexplained infertility.  and i just feel so bummed out about it all tonight.  it just feels so very daunting and overwhelming."

"sometimes i feel very alone in this trial - although many reach out.  it's hard for me to think that they really know how i feel.  sometimes even Jesus Christ, who knows all our suffering.  my thoughts wonder, 'but He isn't a woman, can He really know how i feel?'"

"i know it will all work out... sometimes i just wish i know the when and how and why..."

"derek and i went to the doctor this morning for my pregnancy blood draw after our latest fertility treatment.  i went home and waiting for 'the' phone call.  the test came back negative.  i sat and cried for half an hour straight.  i kept praying, 'Heavenly Father, it hurts.  everything hurts.'"

"i know we're moving in the right direction.  i hope and pray and plead.  but so often my arms feel empty and my heart heavy.  waiting is SO hard."

"real honest.  i'm trying really, really hard to find joy in this leg of the journey... but all i think is, 'rocks!  thorns!  glass!  not cool robert frost.' [kid president]  ...inside just hurts."

as i look back the feelings are so real, so fresh and so raw.  everything about it just hurts.  and yet, i wouldn't trade what i've learned for anything.

to the many who struggle with infertility, i reach out with love, and empathy, and compassion.  know that you are not alone in this journey and that your team is many.