breaking out.

i stare at the blank screen.  the cursor blinking, as if expecting me to start, to write, anything.
and yet, the longer i stare the more it makes me want to quickly exit out.  "i have nothing to say anymore."
what happened to my voice?
i know deep down the desire to write, to speak, is there.  but right now it feels comfortable tucked away on the shelf, wrapped up in a nice, warm blanket.  all by itself.
maybe it's fear.  maybe it's laziness.  maybe it's insecurity.  maybe it's that i feel like right now i just can't measure up.
okay, okay.  it's the last one, mostly.  plus a little bit of all the rest.
i've born my soul out here on this blog before.  remember, the anxiety?  [which, by the way, is pretty much non-existent right now.  woot, woot.]  but to do it again i'm going to need support, and love, and you.
it's a partial mid-life crisis, part self-doubt.  add to the mix some very real struggles.  it's this never-ending cycle of hoping, yet not getting my hopes up.  it's the tears every.single.month.  it's gaining ten+ pounds [all in my face] and being so self-conscious about it.  it's the wanting to, but not really wanting to, forgive.  it's the emotional roller coaster - every emotion, all wrapped into one.
...but who writes about all that on their blog?
you see, i'm not certain i'm ready for you to see me as i am.  i'm scared.  but i'm trying to peek my face out so i'm not quite so afraid of the dark.